tiny tunes

I was so upset today

2011-12-14T08:27:00.000-08:00

I really was. I still feel like I am in shock. I occasionally feel emotional. What I don't understand is this. Why does this happen. I have two university qualifications. I have been admitted to the bar. I am polite. I am decent at my work, then why do I have to face people who think it is okay to be rude to me. I really don't understand this. Anyway, it is what it is I guess. I am going to sleep and not let this bother me too much

Making Music

2011-12-13T02:01:00.000-08:00

For a while I felt as though I had lost my voice. Immense therapy and reading now has me functioning again. From my last post, I am able to observe how miserable I must have been. I have another more inspiring blog but I shall keep this one just for regular venting if any. It woulld be a pity to disregard it.

kobam kaanum pothilum

2011-07-04T20:56:00.000-07:00

kobam kaanum pothilum
ullunarvai ariyaa nilaiyilum
vaarthai varaadhathen
un kobam karuthaai velipadathathen
veruppu kaanum pothilum
ennil kuraigal perum mazhai pol kaanbaai
thinam thinam
varthai varaadhatheno
un karthuthai solla
thaduppathedo
un iyalaamai ennai mudakkiyathu
en porumaiyai viratti sothithathu
un kobam en mel thotriyathu
naanum ninavilantha pethai pol aadinen

thuzhi pol
mella
karunai enmel vizhunthathu
manathil thondriya velicham
indru unarthiyathu
aval ariyaadhaval endru
porumai ivalai maatrum indru

kulappam

2011-07-04T20:44:00.000-07:00

ninaithu paarthal
thayakkam illai
unarntha pothu
kulappam illai
muyandru parthen
thaduthaai neeye
ennai mudakka paarthai
kalainthen naane

utharuven naan
un karuthai
vilaguven un
vattathai vittu
paranthen
en porulai naadi

vidu ennai vittu
ennai vidu
vaanam thottuvara
ennai vidu
parakka
ennai vidu
unnai kaappatra

kanavai naadi

2011-07-04T20:32:00.000-07:00

kuralaithedi alaintheno
immurai
kanavai naadi

pirivai ninaithu manam
thalirveno
endrum un nalathai karuthi
ennai maraipeno

naalai varum mun uyir viduveno
thinamum
unnai pol irukka muyalveno

paathai maaralam naanum maaruven
ethirkalam varum mun
indha uravu mudivu kaanumo

kann pesum varthaigal purivathillai

2011-07-03T22:33:00.000-07:00

watching yuvan shankar raja's "live in concert" show by Vijay TV. I am so in awe of this world. And even more than yuvan, it was having raja sir there that had me feeling emotional. If i were to ever meet legends such as raja sir or spb, i think i would find myself completely speechless.

so it brings me to a few things. If i had a choice, what would i love to be doing everyday?

indian play back music? it sure feels like it. but then, what is holding me back?

family life? lack of sufficient talent? unwillingness to do the work?
fear of this "foreign" life?

these are some of the things that i will be exploring in the next three months. no matter what the result, i need to explore the scope of this opportunity, which requires me, at the very least to atleast train my cords and be available to perform to anyone who is willing to hear me :)

i got a little carried away, but what i was actually going to write about was chemistry. why is it that we find a rapport with some that we cant quite explain. we call it friendship, chemistry, love.

but is it just a re-acquaintance between old souls meeting again? i read about this sometime last year. but as i meet more "old soul acquaintances", i cant dismiss the possibility.

it's a blessing especially in this time of change. and the support is probably why i am finally developing the confidence or inspiration to embark on this journey of self discovery. looking forward to more past life connections.

the CAUSE list is as at todate:-

1. music
2. counselling
3, psychology
4. sociology
5. Counsel Culture.

You have time to find a job you love

2011-06-30T03:17:00.000-07:00

My colleague and friend just sent me this article by Shauna Niequest, who is the author of Bittersweet (Zondervan). This article originally appeared in the May/June issue of RELEVANT. The bit about having time to find a job you love was comforting til i realised i was almost 31. :)

1. You Have Time to Find a Job You Love

Now is the time to figure out what kind of work you love to do. What are you good at? What makes you feel alive? What do you dream about? You can go back to school now, switch directions entirely. You can work for almost nothing, or live in another country or volunteer long hours for something that moves you. There will be a time when finances and schedules make this a little trickier, so do it now. Try it, apply for it, get up and do it.

When I was 25, I was in my third job in as many years—all in the same area at a church, but the responsibilities were different each time. I was frustrated at the end of the third year because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do next. I didn’t feel like I’d found my place yet. I met with my boss, who was in his 50s. I told him how anxious I was about finding the one perfect job for me, and quick. He asked me how old I was, and when I told him I was 25, he told me I couldn’t complain to him about finding the right job until I was 32. In his opinion, it takes about 10 years after college to find the right fit, and anyone who finds it earlier than that is just plain lucky. So use every bit of your 10 years: try things, take classes, start over.

2. Get Out of Debt and Stay Out of Debt

Part of being a healthy, mature adult is learning to live within your means all the time, even if that means going without things you think you need, or doing work you don’t love for a while to be responsible financially. The ability to adjust your spending according to your income is a skill that will serve you your whole life.

There will be times when you have more money than you need. In those seasons, tithe as always, save like crazy, and then let yourself buy fancy shampoo or an iPad or whatever it is you really get a kick out of. When the money’s not rolling in, buy your shampoo from the grocery store and eat eggs instead of steak—a much cheaper way to get protein. If you can get the hang of living within your means all the time—always tithing, never going into debt—you’ll be ahead of the game when life surprises you with bad financial news.

I know a lot of people who have bright, passionate dreams but who can’t give their lives to those dreams because of the debt they carry. Don’t miss out on a great adventure God calls you to because you’ve been careless about debt.

3. Don’t Rush Dating and Marriage

Now is also the time to get serious about relationships. And “serious” might mean walking away from a dating relationship that’s good but not great. Some of the most life-shaping decisions you’ll make during this time will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without. One of the only truly devastating mistakes you can make in this season is staying with the wrong person even though you know he or she is the wrong person. It’s not fair to that person, and it’s not fair to you.

“Who are you dating?” “Do you think he’s the one?” “Have you looked at rings?” It’s easy to be seduced by the romance-dating-marriage narrative. We confer a lot of status and respect on people who are getting married—we buy them presents and consider them as more adult and more responsible.

But there’s nothing inherently more responsible or more admirable about being married. I’m thankful to be celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary this summer, but at the same time, I have a fair amount of friends whose marriages are ending—friends whose weddings we danced at, whose wedding cake we ate, whose rings we oohed-and-aahed over but that have been taken off fingers a long time ago.

Some people view marriage as the next step to happiness or grown-up life or some kind of legitimacy, and in their mad desire to be married, they overlook significant issues in the relationship.

Ask your friends, family members and mentors what they think of the person you’re dating and your relationship. Go through premarital counseling before you are engaged, because, really, engagement is largely about wedding planning, and it’s tough to see the flaws in a relationship clearly when you’re wearing a diamond and you have a deposit on an event space.

I’m kind of a broken record on this. My younger friends will tell you I say the same things over and over when they talk to me about love, things like, “He seems great—what’s the rush?” and, “Yes, I like her—give it a year.” And they’ve heard this one a million times: “Time is on your side.” Really, it is.

4. Give Your Best to Friends and Family

While twentysomethings can sometimes spend a little too much energy on dating and marriage, they probably spend too little energy on friendships and family. That girl you just met and now text 76 times a day probably won’t be a part of your life in 10 years, but the guys you lived with in college, if you keep investing in them, will be friends for a lifetime. Lots of people move around in their 20s, but even across the distance, make an effort to invest in the friendships that are important to you. Loyalty is no small thing, especially in a season during which so many other things are shifting.

Family is a tricky thing in your 20s—to learn how to be an adult out on your own but to also maintain a healthy relationship with your parents—but those relationships are really, really worth investing in. I have a new vantage point on this now that I’m a parent. When my parents momentarily forget I’m an adult, I remind myself that someday this little boy of ours will drive a car, get a job and buy a home. I know that even then it will be hard not to scrape his hair across his forehead or tell him his eyes are looking sleepy, and I give my parents a break for still seeing me as their little girl every once in a while.

5. Get Some Counseling

Twenty-five is also a great time to get into counseling if you haven’t already, or begin round two of counseling if it’s been a while. You might have just enough space from your parents to start digging around your childhood a little bit. Unravel the knots that keep you from living a healthy, whole life, and do it now, before any more time passes.

Some people believe emotional and psychological issues should be solved through traditional spiritual means—that prayer and pastoral guidance are all that’s necessary when facing issues of mental health. I disagree. We generally trust medical doctors to help us heal from physical ailments. We can and should trust counselors and therapists to help us resolve emotional and psychological issues. Many pastors have no training in counseling, and while they care deeply about what you’re facing, sometimes the best gift they can give you is a referral to a therapist who does have the education to help you.

Faith and counseling aren’t at odds with one another. Spiritual growth and emotional health are both part of God’s desire for us. Counseling—like time with a mentor, personal scriptural study, a small group experience and outside reading—can help you grow, and can help you connect more deeply with God.

So let your pastor do his or her thing, and let the person who has an advanced degree in mental health help you with yours.

6. Seek Out a Mentor

One of the most valuable relationships you can cultivate in your 20s is a mentoring relationship with someone who’s a little older, a little wiser, someone who can be a listening ear and sounding board during a high change season. When I look back on my life from 22 to 26, some of the most significant growth occurred as a direct result of the time I spent with my mentor, Nancy.

The best way to find a mentor is to ask, and then to work with the parameters they give you. If someone does agree to meet with you, let it be on their terms. Nancy and I met on Wednesdays at 7 in the morning. I guarantee that was not my preference. But it was what worked for her life, so once a month I dragged myself out of the house in what felt to me like the dead of night. It also helps to keep it to a limited-time period. It’s a lot to ask of someone to meet once a month until the end of time. But a one-year commitment feels pretty manageable for most people, and you can both decide to sign on for another year or not, depending on the connection you’ve made.

7. Be a Part of a Church

Twenty-five is the perfect time to get involved in a church you love, no matter how different it is from the one you were a part of growing up. Be patient and prayerful, and decide that you’re going to be a person who grows, who seeks your own faith, who lives with intention. Set your alarm on Sunday mornings, no matter how late you were out on Saturday night. It will be dreadful at first, and then after a few weeks, you’ll find that you like it, that the pattern of it fills up something inside you.

8. Find a Rhythm for Spiritual Disciplines

Going out into “the real world” after high school or college affects more than just your professional life. Where once you had free time, a flexible schedule and built-in community, now you have one hour for lunch, 10 days max to “skip” work and co-workers who are all over the place in age, stage of life and religion.

In those first few years of work-life, it’s easy to get too busy, too stressed and too disconnected to keep up spiritual habits you may have built in school. Figuring out how to stay close to God and to grow that relationship through activities and disciplines that complement your new schedule is critical for life now—and those habits will serve you for years to come.

One of the best routines I adopted in my 20s was a monthly solitude day. In addition to my daily prayer time, I found I lived better if once a month I took the time to pray, read, rest and write, to ask myself about the choices I’d made in the past month and to ask for God’s guidance in the month to come. Some of the most important decisions I made in that season of life became clear as a result of that monthly commitment.

9. Volunteer

Give of your time and energy to make the world better in a way that doesn’t benefit you directly. Teach Sunday school, build houses with Habitat for Humanity, serve at a food pantry or clean up beaches on Saturdays.

It’s easy to get caught up in your own big life and big plan in your 20s—you’re building a career, building an identity, building for a future. Find some place in your life where you’re building for a purpose that’s bigger than your own life or plan.

When you’re serving on behalf of a cause you’re passionate about, you’ll also connect in a deep way with the people you’re serving with, and those connections can yield some of your most significant friendships.

When you serve as a volunteer, you can gain experience for future careers. Instead of, for example, quitting your banking job to pursue full-time ministry, volunteer to lead a small group, and see where it goes from there. Use volunteer experiences to learn about causes and fields you’re interested in, and consider using your vacation time to serve globally.

10. Feed Yourself and the People You Love

If you can master these things, you’re off to a really great start: eggs, soup, a fantastic sandwich or burger, guacamole and some killer cookies. A few hints: The secret to great eggs is really low heat, and the trick to guacamole is lime juice—loads of it. Almost every soup starts the same way: onion, garlic, carrot, celery, stock.

People used to know how to make this list and more, but for all sorts of reasons, sometime in the last 60 or so years, convenience became more important than cooking and people began resorting to fake food (ever had GU?), fast food and frozen food. I literally had to call my mom from my first apartment because I didn’t know if you baked a potato for five minutes or two hours.

The act of feeding oneself is a skill every person can benefit from, and some of the most sacred moments in life happen when we gather around the table. The time we spend around the table, sharing meals and sharing stories, is significant, transforming time.

Learn to cook. Invite new and old friends to dinner. Practice hospitality and generosity. No one cares if they have to sit on lawn furniture, bring their own forks or drink out of a Mayor McCheese glass from 1982. What people want is to be heard and fed and nourished, physically and otherwise—to stop for just a little bit and have someone look them in the eye and listen to their stories and dreams. Make time for the table, and you’ll find it to be more than worth it every time.

11. Don’t Get Stuck

This is the thing: When you hit 28 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. They mean to find a church, they mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal.

Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”

Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe God is good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned.

Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.

Goodbye

2011-06-30T02:48:00.000-07:00

It's so hard to say goodbye to what feels like 10 years of your life.

when i left to england to pursue law, my biggest motivation was leaving behind a dysfunctional relationship and in the hope that law would not be as mind numbingly boring, as engineering had been.

and true enough, it wasnt. I thoroughly enjoyed england and law was not the least boring. I did not anticipate the work involved and realised that my well polished exam skills were not that useful in the english education system, or atleast not with a law course.

i genuinely believed i could survive legal practice because i knew i had the skills. i never ever considered whether i wanted it. only that it was worthy of me.

today, i was caught a little unawares in having to make a decision about ceasing practice. I thought i was taking time off and that this decision was in the near future, but not today.

as always its hard to say goodbyes. even when you know you must.

and its hard to dismiss the connections you make or the affection your experience.

I find it hard to say goodbye, because i am realising deep within that this really is goodbye.

Neuro Linguistic Programing

2011-06-30T02:39:00.000-07:00

A colleague and big sister figure heard I was leaving legal practice after having only been in it for three months. Well, there was the paralegal stint before that, the training, the exams.. but yes only three (3) months in practice.

She didnt judge and query.

She just said "let's chat" and also suggested that I attend an NLP course.

I am looking it up and it seems to be right up my alley.

There are a few NLP Presuppositions in particular that I like. I have come across them before in other books. eg.

"If i am not getting what i want, i will change the way i go about getting it"

"there is no failure, only feedback"

Evidence

2011-06-29T05:02:00.000-07:00

Another timely quote. So ironic. I am leaving legal practice and a quote on the law of evidence somehow answers my confusion on how will I know that this is the right decision. It's all about perspective i guess. You see what you want to see.

What is this Evidence on which we so rely?

Do we, by our senses, ourselves tie?

Our view of life, limited by what we see.

Is there a deeper reality which can be?

What is Trust that we may find?

Beyond the clamour of the mind.

The heart may seek Evidence of a different kind.

Absolutely fantastic don't you think? The more times i read it, the more i love it.

Nature, time and patience are the three best physicians

2011-06-28T02:06:00.000-07:00

This advice from a friend (albeit from a fortune cookie), couldn't have come at a better time.

Taking time off work to figure out your CAUSE is a great idea. However along the way, you will find yourself constantly conflicted and unable to justify this decision.

What would you rather do if not law?

Don't you need to work? How do you plan to occupy yourself during this time off,, Travel?

Why don't you continue working till you decide?

In our days, we had to work, we didnt have the option of self discovery or taking time off..

How are you going to fund yourself?

You are an adult now. We have supported you through everything. Now you have to do this on your own.

You need to be clear on what you want

These are some of the comments you will hear repeatedly
At times, it will even echo in your subconscious

It is usually easier to comply and just stay in the routine you now have, rather than dare take the time off to EXPLORE. Afterall, these voices are perfectly right. And it is impossible to find a reasonable response to these completely plausible questions.
However, you, for no clear reason and by no active decisive process of your own, stay the Cause.A force beyond your logic compels you, not to accept all the privileges bestowed upon you and instead embark on a journey through the unknown and to nowhere in particular. at least for the moment. You know somethign is out there but you do not know what it is. And you cannot dismiss the feeling of wanting it either.

You decide i owe it to myself. Okay, let me not sound braver than i really am. I just dont enjoy all the anxiety symptoms or feeling miserable. if i didn't feel all of that, i too, like everyone else may continue with my routine. I somehow doubt this. but let me assume i am no different from my peers.

As i say the word EXPLORE i feel like i am jumping off a cliff into a whirlwind. So i won't hit the ground immediately but i am still stepping into an unknown all the same. But there is HOPE, as opposed to being stuck in this cave forever with no way out. It's scary all the same. And you cant help but think, i have gotten used to the cave. maybe if stayed here i will be safe and someone will come save me.... sometime..eventually..or i will grow to love it.. eventually.. and so.. on...

I have learnt through many years of playing the victim, that it is in fact, a lot worse waiting for someone's approval or action, than making a mistake or failing.

Atleast with mistakes or failures, there is an opportunity for learning and/or improvement. but you dont learn from not taking responsibility for yourself. So here i am. taking action.. however i am still conflicted between my instinct and logic.. so back to where i started.

the usual process, music meditation books

trapped

2011-06-28T01:11:00.000-07:00

in a trap of my own making
the love of kind souls
binds me

startled
by this moment of hesistation
in a battle between logic
and inexplicable instinct

relief
in letting my self be
a knowledge
that this instinct's choice will one day satisfy logic

Careers

2011-06-26T07:45:00.000-07:00

As promised, I will be sharing more about this lovely new book that I have been exploring..

It is called ON DESIRE.. Why we want what we want and authored by William B. Irvine.

I am in the midst of trying to figure out why a professional career as a lawyer appears so vehemently undesirable to me despite all factors being in it's favor. I can find no reason not to do it except that I simply don't want to..AND I don't know why that is

Finally I have taken some out for myself to explore what else MY CAUSE is.

Meanwhile, as always I chance upon a quote

Tis quote...

When making a decision of minor importance, I have always found it advantageous to consider all the pros and cons. In vital matters however, such as the choice of a mate or a profession, the decision should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves

- Sigmund Freud

the timing couldn't have been better. Although I knew this, I was feeling a little in need of some assurance that I was not completely erratic in having decided to take this time out and figure out what it was that I really wanted to do.

I found it pretty insincere to be doing something I didn't care for or just somethign i was unable to put my heart and soul into. After all, what is the point of such an existence.. And life couldn't just abt money, food and how we were perceived by others. I feel that I have done most of what was expected of me and my POTENTIAL, but these potentials have been keeping me from pursuing other potentials I actually care about and now, I can't justify continuing like this. and I am in fact not afraid. i just worry abt my immediate environment and how it would react to my choices

Having allowed my unconscious to chose my life partner , and what a great choice that was, Now I felt compelled to pursue my vocation with similar honesty.

It already seems like a good start.

A new chapter

2011-06-24T00:18:00.000-07:00

You can run away from many things but not yourself.

The worst part about self discovery is probably its best part also. Once you know what you want, even if you deny it to yourself and others, it remains in your subconscious and sends out its own ambulance sirens. In my case, it came through unusual rashes and other interesting physical alerts.

Finally, you have no choice but to get back to the basics and address what you should have in the first place. Your cause.

After a long absence, I am back and hopefully will continue on this journey of self-discovery. i am very excited and hope that I will learn alot and optimise on all life's opportunities.

At the moment, i am investing my time in a book called "Desire". Not a romantic novel but more of a psychology text and its brilliant. More on that later.

For now, i just want to say Hello! i am back!

tolerance

2009-10-21T19:37:00.000-07:00

I hope the publisher doesn't mind my quoting these quotes, but as for this particular quote, I am compelled to share it as i had never viewed Tolerance in such a light before and think it would be useful to anyone who subscribes to my type of thinking.

"neither accept people as they are nor tolerate them

Many people think tolerance is a virtue but tolerance is actually a negative term.
If you like something, you do not have to tolerate it.

Tolerate indicates a deep sense of dislike that can at any time turn into hatred.
It indicates a sense of separateness, small mindedness, a limitation of consciousness.

When you tolerate, it is a temporary state. Tolerance is a potential volcano.
If you are tolerating, it means you just holding on.

Acceptance is also negative. You accept that which is not lovable.
Tolerance and acceptance come with judgment and separation.

Question: " But aren't we supposed to accept people as they are?"

If you do not love them, then you have to accept them.
I tell you, do not accept people as they are. Just love them as they are.

Willams Island, Florida, U.S
January 21 1998

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, as quoted in Celebrating Silence"

I never thought i would be promoting this book,.but i think its quite an excellent compilation of quotes and would recommend it, not for daily reading but as a companion on low moments. Thank you publisher.

Music is the key

2009-10-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been panic ridden. i never realised this till recently. I simply thought i must be Ill. Having the flu or a bad bug of something. i never realised that anxiety could produce all the symptoms and effects of an illness.

i have two things to share in this email.

One is how music has helped. its amazing. i was feeling really off and aggitated. i didnt feel like doing anything, talking to anyone, studying etc (am having exams). And i didnt feel like watching super singer either. i was feeling very very aggitated. finally i decided to just carry out mindless tasks such as printing out notes etc. and i put on an episode of super singer junior 2 to keep me company.

the instant relief i felt listening to Oviya singing En Ullil Engo was shocking. i neither like the song on a usual basis and i didn't believe that relief could come so instantly. but it did. and i was so grateful.

so i looked for a reading in "Celebrating Silence" and the page that opened was about tolerance. This is the second point i wanted to make. the reading in the book was so perfect for me at that moment as the particular issue disturbing me at the moment was about tolerance. sometimes you really have to believe in signs and the fact that someone out there is looking out for you and that, perhaps you feel AWFUL at times, so that you can learn something from that experience.
The faster you identify the lesson, the lower the chance of the disturbance re-occurring.

so today, i learnt something new.

maya

2009-10-13T08:31:00.000-07:00

When something is unbelievably beautiful or joyful, you wonder if it is a dream.
Often what you perceive as reality is not joyful so when misery is there, you never wonder if it is a dream.
You are sure it is real. This is knowing the real as unreal and unreal as real.

Infact, all the miseries are unreal.
A wise man knows that happiness is real, as it is your very nature.

Unhappiness is unreal because it is inflicted by memory.
When you see everything as a dream, then you abide in your true nature.

A nightmare is a dream mistaken for reality.
There is no confusion in a dream at all.
Keep wondering whether all this is a dream and you will wake up to the real.

anbe vaa

2009-10-09T20:29:00.000-07:00

speaking of others i find very captivating.. anbe vaa's character. i dont particularly feel drawn to Jeeva or priya. they seem rather normal. Although Jeeva did strike a note when he yelled at Priya's mom (asking her to come to the hospital to give her estranged and critical daughter blood). but the others are good. I havent seen Hema dance ( hear she was michael's winning partner in Jodi No.1) but she has an endearing quality and the chemistry between Her as Angel and aadhi is quite nice to watch. i like the other two as well. but unfortunately not much of a plot around their characters except for the romance. i cant remember their names, but one of them is mischa (Hint VJ tv, those character need a meatier character, else charming but not memorable). i actually like the chemistry between Sandhiya and Jeeva better than that with priya. jeeva and priya is so primary school. i dont know where the plot is going. i like that jeeva's love succeeded but i am also confused and quite torn. i like all the character. the tagore and mani characters are also too good. Kudos to Vijay TV for an entertaining "soap".

i could watch them all in a movie except priya and jeeva for now. they are too normal for the moment. they are too "yuppy looking". could do NRI characters..but jeeva's character is developing. i think he is in his element when he is yelling at someone's mom.. be it his or priyas.. he makes a lot of sense and is so passionate. othertimes he is like a little boy. probably what sandhya's character loves in him. she loves the boy and priya loves the man. eeks.. does anyone feel sorry for sakthi's character. paavam. i hope they clarify soon

Maanaada Mayilaa and Boys v Girls

2009-10-09T20:10:00.000-07:00

these two shows have created such an impression. when i hear the hasili fasilie song, i think of Michael and Priya. such great dancing and picturisation. even though i know its Surya and Nayantara in the movie, in my head its sort of fixed at the scene where priya playfully jabs michael in the chest and michael has that charmed love struck look. i cant wait to see these people act in movies. if you want to create tamil chick flicks, what better than to use people who dance and give the puppy dog looks well. priya and michael both have the looks and the charisma. check the videos on youtube or thiraiviruthu

gokul and neepa are another talented bunch. quite different from the first. gokul is just amazing. i hope he has an equally good character as what he seems to exude on the show because i cant wait for him to achieve things, even on the silver screen. he can really do wonders. i think Kala mdm and the judges would feel similarly. so would Namitha act with gokul in her next movie.?they can do a serious movie. an aspiring model cum actress and the background dancer. she is charmed by him, he is mute but in his fantasies he speaks in various actor's voices and charms. could be a comedy and also a sentimental chick flick. they could fall in love at first sight with each others talents,, and then with other's hearts when they both volunteer for a celebrity "community Project" rescuing children from the child sex trade. i am just rambling here. but there are so many options for plots. that could be meaningful and entertaining. there are enough producers to keep churning movies. after all there are enough people.

neepa could play villi even. she has such an endearing quality about her. i liked the way she looked even before she danced. she could be the friend that loves the gokul character. gets jealous and is mean and harsh.. but not the conventional. just majorly unpleasant. can be the character that many "sandhya" friends (like the one in Anbe vaa) are like... or simran in that movie with prashant where she played Villi. even a "normal person" has such a capacity for anger.. and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. perhaps she has a change of heart during the volunteer efforts and finds that she is happy committing her future to a course (saving the kids) and an everlasting meaninful friendship (with gokul and namitha). that would mean, we need scenes to show their love for her and how it moves her to realise there is more than one form of love or rship. and it doesnt all have to be about kaadhal.

Arabhimaanam

2009-10-09T01:01:00.000-07:00

Song: aarabhimaanam

aarabhimaanam
raagam: raagamaalika
taaLam: aadi
Composer: TanangambaDi Pancanaada Aiyyar
Language: Tamil

pallavi

aarabhi mAnam vaittAdarippAr ennai aanandabhairavee
(Arabhi)

anupallavi

pAril unnai allAl parama kalyANI yAriDattinil sholvEn hamsadhvani shivakaama sundari

ciTTai swaram

hamsadhwani: rI ga ga pa pa ni ni sA ni sa ni ga rI |
sa rI sa ri sa ni pa | ga pA ga pa ga ri sa ||
kalyaaNi: rI sa ni dhA ni sa ri gA ma pa ma dhA |
ni sa ri sA ni dha ni | sa nI dha pa ma ga ri ||
anandabhairavi: sa ni sa gA ri gA ma pA ga ma pa dha pa |
ri sA ni dha pa dha pa | , ma ga ri pa ma ga ri ||
aarabhi: ni sa rI , ma ga ri pA , ma ga ri mA |
ga ri dha dha pa ma pa dha | sA ni dhA pA ma ga ri
(aarabhimaanam)

caraNam 1

santatamum nAn sArangapANi dEviyin caraNamE gatiyenru sAmajagAmini
cintanai sheyya jaganmOhana rUpiNi cittamiranginAlenna shrI lalitAmbA

ciTTai swaram

lalitaa: mA , dha ga ma dha sa ga ma dha ni sa ga ma ni |
dhA , sa ni dhA ri | sa ni dha ga ri sa ni dha ||
mOhanam: pA dha ga pa dha sa ri ga sa ri dha sa pa dha ga |
rI , sa ri ga ri dha | sa ri sa pa dha sa dha ga ||
saamaa: pa dha sa dha pa mA pa dha ma ga ri sa ri ga sa |
rI , dha dha sa sa ri | ri ma ma pa dha dha pa ma ||
saaranga: pa dha ni sa rI sa dhA pa ma ri ga ma2 ri sa |
rI sa pA ma ni dha | , pa ma ri ga ma2 ri sa
(arabhimanam)|

caraNam 2

tApangaL tIrumE un darbAr mahimai sholla taramA ennAlammA parama pAvani bhairavi
kAppATra vENumennai karuNApuri tanaya nI kaDaikkaNNAl pArammA kamalamanOhari

ciTTai swaram

kamalaa manOhari: ga ma pa ni sa ga sA , ni dha pa ma ga pa ma |
gA, sa ga ma pa ni | sA ni dha pa ma ga sa ||
poorvi kalyaaNi: ni dhA sa ri ga ri gA ma pa dha pa sa ni |
dhA , ga ri ni dha ma | ga ni dha ma ga ri ga ri ||
bhairavi: ni sA ga ri ga ma pA dha ma pa dha ni sa ri |
sA , pA ga ri | sa ni dha pa ma ga ri sa ||
darbaar: ri ma pa dhA pa ma pa dha ni sa pa dha ni sa ri |
gA gA ri sa nI | nI dha pa gA gA ri sa
(aarabhimanam)

got the lyrics from http://www.karnatik.com/c1170.shtml

Ulaga Naayagan Kamalhaasan

2009-10-09T00:26:00.000-07:00

As usual, my favourite network Vijay TV has produced an interesting show. about the 50 yrs of Kamalahaasan. I was inspired to write to him last night and suggest that he attempt a movie of an artistic quality (about carnatic music for instance) .. we haven't had movies like isai oru kovil, shankaraabaranam, sindhu bhairavi in ages. i am tiring of the wannabe superstar routines. not that i dont watch it also

but something really solid again would be inspiring. without the misery of horrible scenes of violence etc. the trick is in making it appeal to the masses. you can never please anyone. but if there was a way to inspire the common man to find the technically complicated, almost foreign linguistically, often dull at first, carnatic music engaging..i believe it would be a truly englightening process for both the producer and the receiver. its a difficult task and requires someone with knowledge, intelligence and access. to be able to produce something like this, it would require research, collaboration, mutual respect and willingness.

its not about putting up stage shows in a movie and producing great music.
afterall the krithis and keerthanams are already in place. and both ARR and Raaja sir have shown repeatedly their capacity to weave engaging carnatic based melodies. this is something more.

on watching such a movie, my non exposed friends, or exposed and non interest relatives should think, there is something to this classical music. i feel i understand it more. i want to learn more. not just about south indian classical, but other sorts. so the protagonist has to be on some sort of energy to reach the masses and great awareness, especially spiritual awareness through melodies. and to put that concept to within 2.5 hours. another grievous task.

on watching the Ulaga Naayagan episodes, i thought this would be an excellent challenge for the man, as writer, composer, protagonist, ... and possibly leadership and i am sure his good friend Rajini sir would approve. one role that Kamal Sir has yet to perform is a spiritual one.

i am not sure what maruthanaayam was supposed to be about. was it ever released. i dont know but. i look forward to seeing it soon if it was. since we are on this topic, a music in Proper Chenthamizh would also be wanting. i am tired of slang. its real and all. but what is wrong in speaking properly, on a normal basis. its like wearing torn clothes in the name of being cool. i am not old fashioned but i dont get it and i refuse to spend good money for "reject clothes".

Kamal Sir, i was planning to write to you last night about the above. i could not find any access to you through the web. i suppose i could use "networking" to reach you. but i am sure alot of people have many ideas. so i shall leave this note on the web and hopefully it reaches you, god willing, if worthwhile and timely.

ps: i know someone who would work well with you. incredibly intelligent, talented and with so much of a HEART.

saraswathi sabadham

2009-10-09T00:21:00.000-07:00

having grown up with movies like Saraswathi Sabadham, Meenakshi Thiruvilaiyaadal, Mupperum Deviyar, Thiruvilaiyaadal, Kanthan Karunai and countless others, i realised today the great impact these movies have had on my perception of what is right or right. and also to my belief that there is something above all of us and that the source to this power is within us and in how we choose to act, in any small gesture. another benefit of this childhood exposure is the love of the tamizh language and the arts. perhaps if the media continued to produce such movies with stronger scripts and less multi media effects, there may be something for the children and adult alike to learn more and feel inspired to behave better. i cant say that i am behaving in the best way i can, but i am conscious of the fact that somethings are not right, even if no one knows about it, even if no one is hurt (yet)..there is always a better choice.

eli scruggs

2009-10-07T00:25:00.000-07:00

just watched one of the most touching episodes on Desperate Housewives. A description of that episode is available ( if you are interested) at

http://www.silive.com/entertainment/tvfilm/index.ssf/2009/01/desperate_housewives_eli_scrug.html

i would strongly recommend watching it. it was very touching and about a handy man who had decided that he would not only fix their property but would also make his life about fixing broken lives. he didnt give up his life, his home. move a mile and look for problems to fix. he went about his usual business but exerted himself to care and extend a kind word, (sometimes stern) or deed toward a needy heart.

it was timely. that i came across this episode. like i always believe, everything happens for a reason. i had so much to share in my earlier entries today and now something i watched has moved me to think re-condition my thoughts a little, once again.

a little dispute about "strength"-conclusion

2009-10-06T22:48:00.000-07:00

conclusion

In conclusion, back to the topic of “strong” people, I think everyone who makes a choice to take the better choice where their life or someone else’s life could improve is strong.

Something about inertia that drives me up the wall. How can you be strong if nothing has ever changed and days later you are still in that same position that you realised didn’t work for you. Stepping out of inertia takes strength. And that would the type of strength that I would acknowledge.

Breaking out of a bad rship could be one. But working at a bad relationship, reinventing both yourselves could be a sign of even stronger strength. Once again it’s a matter of discretion and picking the battles that would enable your strengths to grow. No use in saying I am trying and trying and with that jingle remain in a bad situation. If its not working, you obviously don’t really want to be there. Or you are not willing to change enough things to make it work. Sometimes you need two people to make it work. One person can only believe and aspire. If the door is shut at the other side and you don’t think its cost effective (emotionally) to bring down that wall and crash into that person’s world, maybe that’s what it is. Not an effective choice for you. There are ofcourse no formulas and I cant anticipate every personality or circumstance.

But I believe that if you are not passionate about something or someone enough to even want to try, shouldn’t you atleast ask yourself 3 qns.

(1) why do I want this? Is there some purpose that leads to YOUR GREATER PURPOSE

(2) will any good come of this and who will it affect

(3) what am I willing to do to achieve this

Usually there are a lot of shoulds to qn 1. I often stumble there. If I obviously don’t want it myself. Kinda stuck there. If I didn’t believe, I couldn’t answer qns 2 or 3 properly.

Okay, enough for today. I was really motivated to share my thoughts and couldn’t stop myself. It’s not easy sharing your feelings or your life on a public forum. It’s not particularly difficult either. I do it for two reasons.

1. In learning to express myself without fear, I am in a way liberated; and

2. Just incase it touches someone out there who happens to glance on this writing and felt the way I did/do about something. hopefully it would make a difference to how they thought, felt or conducted themselves from that point of time. Afterall, I was touched by words and gesture of so many.

Akshi

a little dispute about "strength"-part 3

2009-10-06T22:41:00.000-07:00

Part 3

Anyway, this was in the past, although not in such a distant past. And I am in a very good place now. But it has taken a lot of time, effort, tears, squabbles and thankfully a tremendous level of support from the un-emotional “strong” people.

I have accepted that I am quite alone in the ‘sensitive” category. I realised over time that I was drawn to people unlike myself, in turn I felt alone.. but I also felt I learnt more. Only issue was that I got confused in the process and tried to become them. Now I am learning to be “strong” in my own right.

Which means……. Yes I will get upset hearing about the joseph fritzl case, or about the various civil conflicts, or simply the calamities befalling people in so many parts of the world.. or even even simpler that a friend wont talk to me and I don’t know why. It all bothers me. But I am learning to review it, examine what part of it to take seriously, sometimes meditate on it, consult with “strong” friends and just let it go. Its not always about me, and in dealing with emotions and letting it go allows me to focus on important things.

I am gaining a lot more knowledge as I spend the time usually feeling upset or fretting, on instead learning….. why things happen.. how we can help. What I can do to help myself, the next person, be it a friend or a stranger. Or to even accept someone I find unacceptable.

It is still a work in progress.

But atleast now, instead of watching a never-ending supply of DVDs, on repeat, all seasons, all through the night and day…………….. or talking, re-talking, re analyzing, re arguing over the same same same issues…… I am now making changes, and drastic improvements to my own quality of life.

As much as thinking is important , doing is also.. EQUALLY. There is no such thing as thinking “too much”. It is about effective thinking. If you are going to spend an hour thinking about something and nothing comes of it, to you or anyone else. What is the point? it doesn’t mean everything has to change drastically overnight. Small steps and somehow believing in everything u care about makes such a world of difference. Everything changes.

I am going to include a list of some of the books that I started reading during this process which I believe have re-conditioned my thinking. Like I said, I am still working at it.

a little dispute about "strength"-part 2

2009-10-06T22:31:00.000-07:00

Part 2

I am finally admitting that I am a sensitive person. To whom, almost everything would set me off in happiness, tears, frustration, sadness, panic (you name it). I have also realised that I have as great a capacity to be happy and bring relief as I do to despair and feel desperate.

And I am also understanding now, after countless (what it seems like to me) months of desperation that there is actually nothing wrong with me. Believing I am WRONG was something that got me ill. I was trying to be anyone but who I was and I eventually lost track of what I REALLY thought and how I REALLY felt.

I can’t really describe this feeling (unless you have been there yourself, you may not understand it. in fact I never did until I was there). But you go about with a sense of numbness, good moments occasionally but there is a huge tendency to retreat to your own “drama-less” shell. And on most days, you just want your day to be over. You have no hope for the next one. You are not suicidal (afterall you have no right to be, what suffering have u endured to justify any depression). But if it was all over, it would not be a problem.

I think knowing that people love you ( you don’t know why) makes you feel obliged to keep the motions going. But I would often reflect on whether I could keep this act going if my mom (for instance) was no longer around. My eyes would swell and I wouldn’t be able to stop the flow of tears. And this would occur at random moments. When I am alone, walking to work, walking back. Running. Watching tv. Checking email. Writing work submissions. It didn’t matter. And it’s not something u feel u can talk about without, worrying anyone.

Still, you have countless conversation with friends who care about you. They say something about you is different. That you have changed. You think that they are not appreciating sufficiently the new, work in progress STRONG ME; mature and emotionless. Afterall mature= not emotional.

They say you seem sad. I say.. nothing to be sad about. My life is great. to be honest it was. In fact the more GREAT it became, the more physically ill I felt. I cannot describe how often I became ill. i was always ill or working. I thought I was physically weak. I didn’t realise that my body and mind were confused. they were no longer in sync. I was on auto pilot of some sort and there was no sync between my natural responses and what I thought or why I did anything. Lots of shoulds woulds no coulds.

Essentially, I was trapped in my own self. I would watch my surroundings and simply MISS MYSELF. Especially at times, where I know that I would ordinarily be having a ball. That this was my deal environment, at that moment. But even then I just could not let myself loose. Once again tears. I felt trapped. I attributed it to being older, more mature. No longer into such things. One example would be dancing. I found it difficult to enjoy dancing or singing. infact my mom commented a few years ago.. u don’t sing anymore. Apparently, b4 I could never stop singing.or humming. Even during exams.

a little dispute about "strength"

2009-10-06T22:26:00.000-07:00

This comment follows a conversation with my mother about emotional strength.

To her, (what my therapist would describe as a concrete character), someone who undergoes abuse (physical and verbal) and is able to take it and persist in the environment despite no resolution or improvement is Strong; ie ability to sustain and continue “living” in an unsustainable environment. Especially if they exhibit no sign of emotional response to this. Even better if they pretend its not happening and carry on with their duties. I think most of the world works this way. To simply carry on and not reflect or improve. Afterall there is no time or interest for the quality of life. Would explain why more people are popping up with serious mental ailments or dying of unknown causes (despite great physical health or strength)

Part 1: emotional strength

I have been brought up to believe that this is strength. I never understood why and I have to admit that I have even spent many years of my own life subscribing to the notion that simply not reacting to issues that arose was a sign of strength. That by behaving that way, it would mean that I was becoming more mature and not reacting to issues. That it was good to keep it going. Focus.. achieve. That accomplishments meant more than fulfillment. However, it worked otherwise for me, by internalizing all my despairs and confusions, my body instead started to malfunction. As a result of which I eventually ended up having to seek therapy, and in desperation. A lot of this unnecessary turmoil and confusion for both myself and my family could have been avoided if I accepted who and what I was, what my nature was and instead strived to cope with and understand what I faced instead of ignoring them ( as the “strong” people would do).

At this juncture, I find it important to clarify one thing. I mean no disrespect for people whom I would describe as being un-emotional and who pride themselves on being able to deal with things without becoming emotional. I in no way condemn those who believe that emotional beings are weak and would require bigger problems before they could justify their fretting.

I only lament that these two groups have never tried to understand or accept the other. Perhaps then, they could work at being the best at who they are.

To each person, their worry is the biggest. By telling someone your worry is not impt, it doesn’t go away. But it doesn’t mean you have to enable it either. I think I would have done one of two things when someone brought up an issue I thought was trivial.

1.Indulge discussing it to my detriment, (often out of obligation since I felt bad that I was being “unkind and unaccepting” or

2.highlighted to the person why it was trivial (and probably was very patronizing in that process- the whole high horse approach).

I never thought to ask someone why they thought it was such a life ending issue to them (in their minds). I realisethat there are two results from such an attempt, the person themselves would realise that they too thought it was trivial or I would understand that person a little more and as to why to them it would seem reasonably difficult.

Either way, there is a change, we both have a better understanding that we didn’t have when we each were trying to assert our own feelings wrt a matter and strong worded or emotional justifications for those feelings.

Vaaranamukhavaa

2009-09-30T03:11:00.000-07:00

Hamsadhwani

Pallavi

Vaaranamukhavaa Thunai varuvai

Arulvaai thayavaai

Anupallavi

Aarana porul aana kantha

Gaana mudhathirkum

Karunaamudha uthaviya Aruliya

Charanam

Innisai Iyal Ilakkiyam Aariyam

Thamizh arivethumindi

Kannal Anna Ikkantha

Gaanaamrutha Nan noolai

Unnum Kavi Kuncharathaasan Naan

Un Arul Konde

Panna Thuninthen

Munnavane nee mun nindraal

Mudhiyaathathondrillai

Aatharavathi vegamaai Aruliya

mission one accomplished

2009-09-30T03:08:00.000-07:00

last weekend i gave my maiden solo performance. survived it with god's grace. infact i throughly enjoyed it. i truly believe that everyone should keep dreaming.. it really keeps you going

hitting the books again.

2009-09-30T03:01:00.001-07:00

second chances is what this phase has been about. and i am enjoying it thoroughly. i love being at school for instance. i never enjoyed school ever before this. i used to dread both the lessons and the people. now somehow either the situation has changed, or i have, or both. everyone is wonderful, i find there is so much i am interested in.

anyway super singer is back now with the little kids and i have to say. they are even better than the adults were. most of the children are beyond amazing. the talent, confidence and sheer determination inspires me. may sound overly emotional, but i do get teary eyed sometimes.. for this week, it was alka and vishnu charan who have inspired me so far. pichai paathiram enthi vanthen is such a powerful song. just the scenes from "Naan Kadavul" are enough to stir anyone.
wonder what is in store tonight from super singer junior 2 !

the holy man

2009-09-04T21:57:00.000-07:00

behold the irony
with which the holy man
treats his fellow man
with such disdain

had he truly believed,
guilt at his hypocrisy
may have forced him
to flee, far
from the temple gates

how could one believe
if one did not
love
share
or simply care

fruits flowers prayers serve nothing
except as lip service,
except to one who truly was hungry
to one who was truly sad
and to one who truly believed

ravi

2009-05-21T10:18:00.001-07:00

ravi is so technically proficient and now even the bhava and jeeva is creeping in. so its between renu ravi and ajeesh. ironic isnt it. since they were the top 3 to start off with. i think all three and also ranjani will make it to play back. renu and ajeesh will be sought after for their voice. ravi's journey will be interesting

i hope they release albums with good compositions. let's see where the post super singer seasons takes these people.

prassie despite his popularity still hasnt won favour with me. he seems like a nice person and he is quite the entertainer but i am not entertained. to each his own taste afterall

renu

2009-05-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

i think she is such a suitable voice for play back singing even if she doesnt win the title. the thing about the sangathis. it's voice vs technicality. let's see what happens.

super singer finals

2009-05-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

renu's ezhu swarangal was really divine. i am very impressed.

i like ajeesh's paatum naane also. but this renu was something else altogether with this song. she sounded like a completely different person. like she was on another plane while singing. i am so proud of her (and i dont even know her)

ravi is going to win Airtel Super Singer 2008

2009-05-08T23:20:00.001-07:00

i know i am coming one full circle and contradicting myself. he is by far the most perfect of the lot and he is becoming quite charming i must say. so the personality is helping the bhava in the singing also. the rest and not so consistent. yeah they have their remarkable good days. but he is steady. and so versatile. he so deserves to win.

prasanna. seriously gets on my nerves. he's so over dramatic

romance

2009-05-08T22:33:00.000-07:00

to my friend oscar: after a very long time i have started to really really believe again. especially in romance. that it is not a figment of my imagination or the movies and that it is very much, REAL. i also believe that everything is what is it is. i sometimes feel that actions and words do not match and have often been left feeling utterly confused. the world is making sense once again.

i also feel extremely strongly about god this morning. lots of simple signs. its like a good friend that you had never realised or paid much attention to, popping up everywhere to remind you, here i am. first it was through music. then it was through a friend's experience. all of which reinforced my ideals once again and i just prayed and thanked god for looking after everyone.

he has done his part. now we must have the courage to lead our lives. honestly.avoidance is destructive.

adoption

2009-05-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

around the time of my graduation, i found out that i was adopted. that my biological mother was now my aunt; ie my mother's sister. my cousins were my siblings. my extended family is exceptionally close and everyone, including my other aunts and uncles and cousins have always intimately involved in our lives. so i thought i was okay with this information. afterall it was a very kind and remarkable gesture by my biological parents in giving me to my mother.

i got married within months of this information and everything seemed okay for a while. but i have been getting physically ill and been avoiding many people incrementally. this was noticed by friends who intervened a year ago and i have since been trying to come out of this withdrawal. however, while the good times are getting better the bad times are getting worse and i have recently had a series of panic attacks that led me to consult with a psychiatrist. her diagnosis includes a possible anxiety disorder and identity issues.

i have put the adoption issue as a non-issue at the back of my head. it's not a problem. afterall i have had a great life. nothing to complain about. i was not unwanted. i was and am still very much loved. why then do i feel like my system is about to shut down whenever i encounter immediate family these days. i have been slowly avoiding everyone.

i was previously an extremely social person and love being around people. on most days i still do. but talking on the phone with any of them takes an unbelievable effort on my part. i dont know what to say to them.

Ian Fairweather

2009-04-23T20:59:00.000-07:00

an article in the economist about an artist named Ian Fairweather was strangely captivating. I became intrigued by this reclusive australian painter. his indifference to recognition. his belief that painting was to him what religion could have been to others. the fact that he would destroy, disown or fail to acknowledge his pieces. i think he is a great role model.

i found a link about him. havent read everything yet. but thought to share. each day you learn something about someone you never knew existed, and you discover a whole new aspect within yourself

http://www.ianfairweather.info/01_cms/details.asp?ID=1

procrastination

2009-04-22T23:15:00.000-07:00

i feel terribly ashamed to admit that almost a month has passed and there has been no progress with the music.

i realise singing as i cook etc is not going to help me understand my varnams or thalams. its all a terrible mess and i got a real poosai from my teacher today. so new rules

minimum 2 hours singing practice a day and i probably have to put it down in a time table. there needs to be a plan. feel like there is so little time left.

i am very inspired by santosh from super singer. if he can be determined to pick up that saware song with little classical background, what am i doing? nothing is impossible. mind over matter. time to start.my mind and my life is like this picture. all patching. all over the place. interesting pretyt aspects here and there. but no focus anywhere. need to sort through this clutter

babies

2009-04-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

wow. it seem like everyone is pregnant these days. its a joyous event and i am absolutely thrilled.

a little part of me wonders when i will be ready for that stage of my life. i feel and still think like a teenager. i have been reading this book entitled "Honouring the Self" by Nathaniel Branden. Chapter 2 discusses the correlationship between a person's self esteem and the child-parent relationship that existed for that person when he or she was a child.

there are of course many people who have great self esteem despite some rather unkind childhood experiences. however, it was very interesting to see how much a parent's manner in dealing with a child can affect them for life. i thought the book was most enlightening.

Wild card

2009-04-22T22:42:00.000-07:00

The final day was something surreal. Santosh and Ragini somehow captivated me. She has such a solid voice. Such a solid voice. she should seriously consider playback for hindi movies. i dont know where these two were hiding all these days. i was well impressed. the voting bit is so difficult. i am finding myself voting for almost everyone.

personally i really dont know how to pick. shankara by Prassie somehow didnt impress me as much. Perhaps i was expecting more from the song. Actually I didnt enjoy any of prassie's performances in the wildcard round unfortunately.

as for raagini, the first two were okay. kanakarungkuyile was the better of the two. but the song on the final day was kick ass.

ranjani. she is one of my favourites. i didnt enjoy her porale ponnuthayi as much as the judges did. the fast beat was okay. and i wasnt impressed by minsara kanna. i never know what a difficult song it was till she sang it on the final day. wow. nithyashree is really something. i think ragini should have sung this song. she would have been amazing. is there anyway we can get ragini to sing minsara kanna. ranjani did the best she could but if we dont look at the technicality and her success at it, it didnt quite make it. it just wasnt one of those "oh my god" moments. i think she should have been a little more careful.

vijay. i would be very sad to see him go. he's always so fascinating. thaai manne vanakkam was heart felt but his voice. i think he will need some work.

santosh..might be my pick. i need to review all 3 days first. his voice is superb. his rate of improvement is amazing. and more than anything else he seems like such a wonderful person. they all do actually. i think this team has been extremely sportive. i want to see what they can pull off. actually i want to see what raagini and santosh can do. i am still waiting for her to sing a nice soft piece well. let's see.

any chance vijay tv will have a show after the finals where some of these people are invited back to perfom songs. i look forward to it. i have learnt so much watching these contestants. it cant be easy having to go through this each time. sometimes you think you have the song set and then your voice fails you. you get it almost right at times and at one sangathi it completely goes off. having that kind of grip of your voice on stage, it requires something else all together. i think santosh can give the top three a run for his money just based on saaware.more later after a quick review of past perfomances.

I've learned

2009-04-21T10:05:00.002-07:00

by Andy Rooney,
I think its quite excellent.

"I've Learned.....That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've Learned....That when you are in love, It shows.

I've Learned....That just one person says to me,you've made my day! makes my day.

I've Learned....That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've Learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've Learned....That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've Learned....That always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him/her in some other way.

I'have Learned....That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I 've Learned....That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I'have Learned....The sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to love.

I've Learned....That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights When I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've Learned....That life is like a roll of toilet paer, the closer it gets to the end the faster it goes.

I've Learned....That we should be glad that God doesn't give us everythign we ask for.

I've Leartned....That money doesn't buy class.

I've Learned....That it's those small daily happenings that makes life so spactcular.

I've Learned ....That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've Learned....That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've Learned....That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've Learned....That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I'have Learned....That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've Learned....That everyone yo meet deserve to be greeted with smile.

I've Learned....That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've Learned....That life is tough, but I tougher.

I've Learned....that opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss.

I've Learned....That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock somewhere.

I'have lerned....That I wish I could have told my MOM that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've Learned....That one should keep his/her words both soft and tender, beause tomorrow one may have to eat them.

I've Learned....That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've Learned....That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his/her little fist you're hooked for life.

I've Learned....that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've Learned....That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done."

great moments

2009-04-20T20:59:00.001-07:00

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

I believe that we are all often in search of these great moments. perhaps if we didnt get carried away with the quest and simply utilised the opportunities that presented themselves to us, we may feel more fulfilled. the road ahead of us always appears to be shadowy and unclear. but its just about focus. if we had in our mind, a clear idea of who we are and what we stood for, everyday every situation would be an opportunity.

attainment

2009-04-14T21:49:00.000-07:00

i read an interesting quote today:

"to get something you never had, you have to do something u never did"

its simple and obvious. but its also something that must be acknowledged by everyone. we are often very reluctant to take a risk or venture into something new. we may take small safe steps but the idea of taking a risk is very much avoided. i for one am highly risk averse. but i am having to accept at this stage that if u seek to dramatically change the course of your life, you must take some very dramatic actions, well thought through and planned ( to avoid or anticipate potential risks). but you also cannot sit on the fence and wonder.

Saraswathi

2009-04-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

a beautiful balinese painting of saraswati that i had come across on one of my travels.

today i officially start my journey into the world of music. I am aspiring to develop whatever skills are required to become a playback singer in indian cinema. This might be a journey with no real end in sight. But one can dream. afterall in the alchemist it was suggested that when one truly believes in something and wants to achieve it, desperately with every fibre of his being, his environment conspires to set the motions in place.

i have yet to discover my own fickle mind. but this is a journey worth pursuing nevertheless.

I have already started by pursuing carnatic music. I am also trying to solve my difficulties which include the following:- inability to control my breathing when singing, lack of focus and complete lack of technical knowledge. Of course there is also a need for hard work.

i find that blogging the details of my pursuits and the journey in view of these pursuits makes me feel accountable. That i cant simply toss something out there and then lose focus and forget about it. afterall, once published it sits there as a reminder of a task waiting to be completed

crossing over

2009-04-09T08:27:00.000-07:00

Watching movies like "Crossing over" starring Harrison Ford and Ashley Judd is often an extremely emotional process for myself. Today I was overcome by an overwhelming feeling of guilt, helplessness and sadness. I thought the movie was well put together. However i was unable to say i enjoyed it.

It's not easy to watching move like this and then not think about it. especially when you are fully aware that what is being described in this movies is merely a depiction of real life situations.

I realise that there is no point in feeling so much if its not being applied in some constructive way. moreover, since such surges of emotions tend to arise easily in a variety of situations, there is no point paying too much attention to it unless i am about to act to make a positive change. first i need to clear my mind before i know what it is that i am thinking. finding focus is priority.So that is my project starting today.

let's see if there are any interesting developments along the way. either by my achieving something personally or finding a purpose that benefits others. there has to be some point to feeling this way. it cant all just come up upon watching a movie and then disappear in the course of the daily routine.

back with a bang

2009-04-09T08:03:00.000-07:00

Ajeesh vs Vijay

This one is super tense. It means either ajeesh makes it to top three or vijay gets elminated. Oh boy. I didn’t really like ajeesh’s first pallavi. But it got a little better. The voice sounded a little shaky. Not sure why. The verse however is really good. woo hoo!!

Vijay is very very smart. The new sangathi in the pallavi was very nice. I guess he does have many options. Voice might not be the conventional hero voice but he will be quite the composer and singer.

Ajeesh Elangkaathu Veesuthe 39

Vijay Nee oru Kaadhal 40

So its wild card round after this.. Ranjani vs Vijay

clean cut items

2009-04-09T08:01:00.000-07:00

Ravi vs Renu

Okay.. ravi’s voice sounds good on this one. the aalap bit. then the harshness crept in on the very first line. It gets better in between. I like this song. I think it could be better. It really was a bit chop chop. How come the judges don’t say anything about his lack of flow. It can’t just be me feeling this way.

Renu’s voice sounds like record quality. Little bit of something going a little flat at the end of the pallavi. Something about the tempo also. Her voice is so good though. Why does it feel like day 3 is losing its oomph?

Ravi Vellai Pura Ondru 40

Renu Vaanaville 41

Un Paarvaiyil Oarayiram

2009-04-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

Day 3 started with Ajeesh vs Ranjani. I was so nervous. I like them both so much. I think Ranjani did better on this one. Ajeesh sounded a little lethargic. He didn’t concentrate as much as he did with thoongatha vizhigal. I have to admit I was a little disappointed. Perhaps things got a little built up on day 1 and I am expecting him to keep climbing the way the others had. I really enjoyed ranjani’s voice on this one. Lets see what the score is:

Ajeesh Anthi Mazhai 40

Ranjani Un paarvaiyil 40

kai veenaiyai endhum

2009-04-08T04:46:00.000-07:00

The semi finals are getting very exciting. in my view, Ajeesh rocks, once again with the un poojaikaaga, it was amazing. It sounds even better than the original. His voice is one of a kind. The vulnerable quality of his voice makes everything he sings rather appealing. I am well impressed.

Ranjani, was much better than the prior day’s effort in her chinna chinna. Somehow still falling short of ajeesh. They are my two favourites.. but renu did do a good job on her second song on day 1.. let’s see how.

Vijay and ravi are somehow are not in the run for me. who knows what bang they will return with. but the judges seems to like ravi. Srini thought that ravi did better and sujatha thought they were equal. I just wasn’t impressed with kalaivaaniye. I find it interesting how we all have such different opinions. Ravi got 21 and ajeesh 19.

Renu’s voice is sweet with unnavida, but her nervousness comes through. Perhaps she would be more comfortable in the recording studio. I have a feeling vijay might be getting eliminated. They rest are quite competitive.

And then there was the Pon megalai song.. Ranjani is back with a bang!! Kaiyil veenaiyai is very nice!! I am so thrilled. can take ajeesh and ranjani straight to the recording studio. even renu. i keep my fingers crossed that she will relax. she could be so so amazing if she did.

Poongkaatru puthithaanadhu really did suit vijay’s voice. But something missing. Still I preferred that to ravi’s nalam vaazha. I just dont like his way of singing. It sounds very harsh. Really unfortunate because he is such a good singer. Maybe its because I have expectations of the grace that usually comes with raaja’s music. Ravi is simply too technical for me. Cannot wait for Day 3!!

thoongatha vizhigal rendu

2009-04-07T09:33:00.002-07:00

Oh my god. I loved Ajeesh’s thoongatha vizhigal rendu in yesterday’s semi finals. It was amazing.. it was too good.. I was like oh mi god.. when is he going to make albums.. I love the boy’s voice.. and on those days he concentrates.. u just want to jump. Ranjani and ravi didn’t really make it today I think. renu was much better in her second song. vijay had a lot of emotion in his singing but it wasnt easy listening either. ajeesh was just toooo good.

i am in the process of trying to learn the structure of raagas and associate them with songs i am familiar with.
apparently thoongatha vizhigal is based in amrutha varshini.

psychiatry

2009-03-10T06:00:00.002-07:00

as each day passes, i encounter a variety of people whose lives and that of those who had encountered them had been severely affected by mental illness. if only there was some sort of a psychiatric GP available at every corner. if only such consultation was affordable. it may have prevent all sorts of offences and suicide. I dont really understand whether we each have a underlying condition waiting to be detected or worse still, waiting to be triggered. but i do know that people who are struggling need help, support and that too without stigma.

poojaarya

2009-03-10T05:38:00.000-07:00

was watching pooja and arya on Coffee with Anu, the Feb 14th show. It was one of the most entertaining interviews I have watched. My other favourite was that of SPB and Gangai Amaran.

Something about Pooja and Arya, there is always this amazing connection between them onscreen and offscreen. Even i have wondered if there was ever a chance of a romance between them. I suppose this is the chemistry that exists between friends. I realised on watching poojaarya that you cant possibly fall in love or marry everyone you have chemistry with.

that's the problem that sometimes exists when deciphering male female friendships. for both those involved, those watching or those involved with each of the parties. Getting along with someone or finding something about them attractive doesnt quite decide who will be your life partner. There is something beyond that lets you know this is the ONE.

anyway i hear Arya has done a new movie " Naan Kadavul" by Bala. Waiting to see how that goes. Meanwhile will update more on poojaarya when i get the info. I do hope they will do a modern day romance soon. Was so sad when they didnt get together in Ullam Ketkuthe..

Breaking the mould

2009-02-22T18:43:00.000-08:00

"I am your constant companion.

I am your greatest asset or heaviest burden.

I will push you up to success or down to disappointment.

I am at your command.

Half the things you do might just as well be turned over to me,

For I can do them quickly, correctly, and profitably.

I am easily managed, just be firm with me.

Those who are great, I have made great.

Those who are failures, I have made failures.

I am not a machine,

though I work with the precision of a machine and the intelligence of a person.

You can run me for profit, or you can run me for ruin.

Show me how you want it done. Educate me.

Train me.

Lead me.

Reward me.

And I will then...do it automatically.

I am your servant.

Who am I?

I am a habit."

I always believe in "signs".

Habits must first be recognised before they can be broken. I was in the midst of attempting to break some of my own very bad habits.

Coincidentally I came across this excerpt which summarised what I had to do to get out of my little "rutt".

Eeramaana Rojaave

2009-02-19T06:28:00.000-08:00

It was amazing to have Gangai Amaran on the show. He was so sincere in his comments and each of which was simply factual. I thoroughly love this series and feel like I have learnt alot by just watching it even.

I dont actually understand the purpose of the Recall round. Perhaps it was to see who may have MADE it had they taken the opportunity seriously...earlier.

I felt that Ragini Sri and Hari didnt cut it from the beginning. I like both their voices but for some reason I feel like they are not improving. for instance, Ajeesh improved so quickly. Rangini was amazing. Basically they both slowly rose up to challenge Ravi, who from day one was the "super singer heavy weight champion". I have just been watching to see how all of this plays out.

I liked Rohit's rendition of "eeramana rojaave" today. I thought it was so pretty. I could just close my eyes. I am going to listen to it again, right now.

Aruna, maybe its a nodule issue but she doesnt really appeal to me.

Okay I just listened to rohit again. I thought it was so sweet. Perhaps Vijay TV should put these tracks on MP3 :). And sorree Gangai Amaran sir, I think his original struthi was fine. Very often, on this show, performers are enouraged to retain their own style. its confusing as an observer to decipher the extent to which one's individuality is encouraged. I like KJY's voice. But its SPB's voice that would cheer me up when I am sad. So the idea that it' only KJY's voice or rather his style that would compliment this song is, i believe, misplaced. I preferred rohit's rendition. This is why the world still goes around. we each still have our own tastes, appreciations and affinities.

restless

2009-02-18T07:24:00.001-08:00

I find myself procrastinating. A couple of days ago, I was at one of my low moments and sought for the first time, the comfort of the self-help section. all of which resulted in my purchasing a couple of books that I have yet to even read. One interesting discovery was this diary, a two year diary where we are to log in responses to the following questions on a daily basis.

What did you do ?

How are you feeling ?

What are you grateful for?

What were you challenged by ?

How did you overcome this challenge?

what did you savour?

Breathe

2009-02-18T07:20:00.000-08:00

knowing how to breathe is very important for a singer. or someone attempting to sing/become a singer. It is one of my main problems and i realised that i am not alone in this quest. So i surfed around and found some information on how to deal with this problem:-
Breathing Exercises Breathing for Singers at www.vocalist.org.uk

Striking a Balance

2009-02-18T07:11:00.000-08:00

This week's journey has been all about striking a balance, or simply acknowledging that you have to. Now that I have discovered what i need to do, implementation is the next key step, and the hardest.

Sidhu Bhairavi

2009-02-08T00:49:00.000-08:00

Sindhu Bhairavi, Salangai Oli, Shankarabaranam are classics that everyone seems to know about whether you are from a background engaged in carnatic music or otherwise.

I am waiting for producers to make movies like this where the storyline, music and cinematography are simply timeless.

Ivan does not compare. The story was nowhere comparable. Moga Mul was interesting but a little too much of an art movie with the gloomy lighting and the level of hormones filling that movie. I first watched it as a child and found it a bit creepy to be honest. As an adult however I did appreciate the movie and its depiction of the various struggles the characters underwent

thaka thina thaka thina love than-a sex

2009-02-07T23:50:00.000-08:00

Question that arises is whether sex satisfies women who are not emotionally content? Is the aggravated level of sexual promiscuity linked to those people who need to experience physical sensations to feel alive, sometimes tattooing, cutting.. ofcourse some even cut hair. Its not the action that is questionable but the motive behind it

Misery especially the inexplicable kind sometimes leads to numbness. The numbness of simply just existing and waiting for each day to end. surviving this numbless often leads to binging, sleeping continouslessly yet restlessly. being senselessy high on drinks, drugs, power, control. anything just to feel "alive"

Productive alternatives;

1. exercise

2. a new passion:- writing, dancing, planning weddings, doing volunteer work

anything that engages your mind and body so completely that you have no time to feel sorry for yourself or to psycho analyse your misery. Friendships and discussion should not be underestimated but too much of anything is a bad thing.

Plus, as we all must have realised by now, there is also no definite cut off period for misery. You may never move on from the event, ever,. But you can choose to not focus on it.

Back to the whole sex thing, having good sex is very very very importan. It’s the multiple sexual partners that is damaging. Having multiple sexual partners doesn’t improve your life, it simply creates opportunity for more drama more hurt and more disease. So, it seems that women just want to be happy.. and since it is easier to distance physical and mental stuff, they think they are happier just having a good sex life. You can work on a good sex life,, you cant work on complete incompatibility. The Thelma louise choice is either laziness or helplessness or both.

Whoever says go and have more sex,, should be saying instead. Go meet more people. Get to know there are other types of people in the world, there are other things to learn. And sex doesn’t have to be the end all of it. You want to be intimate with someone you love and feel safe with…

Its amazing how I have come to this conclusion. I have been thinking about this for so long and I really think the old generation got it right. I cant think of many people in our generation that have that look in their eyes when they see their partner. I see it in very old couples.. when I speak to them. When I read their writings. They fell in love and everything came after. They didn’t equate love to sex and mix it all up. Infact they never went around “looking for love”. They carried on about their business otherwise. So when they saw it, they knew.

I think its amazing.. and I really am starting to believe that media has somewhat contorted reality. Ofcourse all types of rships exist, not to say what we see in the media doesn’t happen. We just have to decide what kind of lives we want for our selves.

I think I battled with the idea of what I wanted and what I thought I did for a while. The only good choice I have made in the whole Love-rship area was the first instinctive one I did. Where I didn’t follow logic and just went on instinct. Not knowing why. At all. I chose to plunge into a new chapter. Somehow its turned out to be the best choice.

So follow your instincts I say. Don’t over analyse and over discuss. Don’t listen to anyone. Not me not anyone. We are not you. You are someone special. When you realise that then it wont be so confusing.

In tune with hypocrisy

2009-02-07T23:33:00.000-08:00

Intially this blog was meant to deal with just music and finding focus with what one sought to achieve in one's own life. New questions which have arisen each day enticed the expansion to the nature of the entries contained on this blog.

This week has been about WORK, RELATIONSHIPS & FRIENDSHIPS.

It is so much more difficult as an adult, when you just can't just walk away from the people you dont like, the situations you dont find comfort in and the issues you dont agree with.

You are forced to sit, smack in the middle of these scenarios, exchange pleasantries, make the best of a bad situation and still come out on top. Throughout all of this, you keep wondering.. just what type of hypocrite am I today?

In 1828.sorabji.com > Webster's 1828 English Dictionary,

HYP'OCRITE, n. 1. One who feigns to be what he is not; one who has the form of godliness without the power, or who assumes an appearance of piety and virtue, when he is destitute of true religion.And the hypocrite's hope shall perish. Job 8.2. A dissembler; one who assumes a false appearance.Fair hypocrite, you seek to cheat in vain.

dreaming aloud

2009-01-30T10:36:00.000-08:00

There is nothing with which every man is so afraid as getting to know how enormously much he is capable of doing and becoming

Soren Kierkegaard

the creation of this blog was inspired by my not so sudden but ambitious dream of becoming a playback singer (ie. singing for movies). To-date I have taken no such efforts towards this goal. So it really is a new beginning. putting it down on paper (or blog) forces me to not procrastinate

I came across the quote cited above some time back and it stirred me. frightened me even. Its very true.having not lived up to my potential. not being aware of what that potential is. not knowing the difference between what one wants and should want. i am a product of a system. i follow rules and rarely question unless aggravated. then the innate fighter spirit emerges. but i cant sustain that energy.

I have a feeling there are many of us out there. What matters today is that we start to make each day count. one step at a time and we are bound to cover some distance.

So today its been put on record on a public forum that this character AKSHI dreams of being a playback singer.

First step: target identified

2nd step: Assess where I am and what it will take to get me there. This bit is tricky especially when it comes to assessing talent for such things. Atleast I know that I am not tone deaf. some relief there no doubt.

3rd step: time lines. I have time. Afterall its a personal journey. I will give myself 2 years to see if anything worthwhile can come out of it.

Note. I am not seeking to reach the goal in 2 years. only to assess if the goal is worthwhile. I have a tendency to lose interest quickly. especially when it involves hard work. lets see if i end up surprising myself.

this whole journey is not just about music. its covers a lot of aspects. I realise i lack focus. I cant seem to cure the habit. So i will have to use a target that is captivatising to inspire my "system" to be tricked out of its usual state of inertia. All grand aspirations. Payanam thodarattum.

meanwhile Super Singer 2008-2009 shall keep us entertained and inspired.

time to focus

2009-01-30T10:26:00.000-08:00

Begin

the rest will follow

every minute

it counts

from this point

need it be ambitious

need it be known

need it be anything

but my song

keep singing

my tunes will shortly follow